Friday, April 17, 2009

Roll the die(t)

I come from a long line of hardy Eastern Europeans. Hardy, yet poor, Eastern Europeans. My guess is that winters in my gene pool were pretty rough, what with no 24-hour grocery stores in 19th century Germany and Hungary. Consequently, my ancestors' bodies must have evolved to a point where our metabolism would slow down to nothing in order to survive the winter.

That's my story.

Of course, this means that every spring, I say things like, "How did I gain so much weight this winter?" I'm sure it's all because of my ancestors and has nothing to do with the awesome Christmas cookies I bake each year and the trip to the Disney World resort where you'd pay the same for a single serving of carrots as you would for a grilled cheese and fries. Plus, that whole hibernation thing doesn't help the waistline. And don't get me started on what happens to women's bodies after we turn 40. It ain't pretty.

Anyhow, every spring, I start to diet, and this spring is no different. On Sunday, the last day of spring break, I decided enough is enough. I'm going to make healthy choices, eat sweets in moderation and exercise daily. There will be a new me in a month, ready for the pool or at least a pair of shorts.

This is my week:

Monday: Start the day with 30 minutes on the treadmill. Eat one small piece of chocolate from the Easter stash in the morning. For lunch, enjoy a salad with just a few pieces of turkey and light raspberry vinaigrette dressing. Skip dinner, because the hubby is working late and the kids are happy with mac and cheese. Get on the scale Tuesday morning. 1.5 pounds gone! Victory! We're on our way. At this rate, I'll drop 10 pounds in a week.

Tuesday: Start the day with 20 minutes on the treadmill. You don't want to push this whole exercise thing too hard, after all. Eat a couple extra chocolates from the Easter stash, because yesterday you lost 1.5 pounds, you're doing great. Add a few croutons to the salad, and go ahead and enjoy some full fat dressing. Life is for the living. Hubby's home tonight, but make a nice pot of homemade spaghetti and meatballs, and enjoy a modest serving with a salad on the side. Get on the scale Wednesday morning. A half pound is gone. OK, we're making progress.

Wednesday: Blow off the treadmill. Treadmills are boring. You'll walk the dog later. Attack the Easter stash, because this darned diet has you starving. Load your salad with turkey, cheese and an extra handful of croutons. It's still salad, right. Besides, dinner is going to be a low-fat, chicken stir fry over rice. Make sure dinner is a smaller serving, to make up for the Easter stash attack. Apologize to the dog, but it's still cold and rainy and you won't be walking outside. Do the easy 20-minute treadmill walk. Step on the scale Thursday morning. No pounds lost. What gives?

Thursday: OK, today's going to be nice, so we'll definitely do a walk. Stay away from the Easter stash, save for one Reese's Egg. (We have to have our priorities.) Blow off the salad in favor of some yogurt and a banana. Take the dog for a nice walk. Make tonight's dinner burgers Steak 'n' Shake thin, and eat only half. Go to bed early because you're so hungry. Step on the scale Friday morning. Another pound gone. Yippee!

Friday: Wake up hungry. Eat extra chocolate, including the second last Reese's egg. Tell the dog you'll walk later. Eat a couple of the Easter Peeps. Apologize to yourself and stick to yogurt for lunch. Promise yourself that you'll eat a sensible dinner, because the weekend is coming and you know you're probably going to splurge.

Obviously, my diary stops here, because it's only Friday. But I can almost guess what happens this weekend: Eat. Eat some more. Tell yourself that walking to the soccer field is exercise. Tell your husband to hide the Easter stash. Find it again. Get on the scale. How'd those pounds find me again?

Blame the ancestors. It's in my genes.


Nancy Weidner said...

Yeah, good try honey! It could be the genes but personally I blame it all on the big "M." Men-o-pause. Ever wonder why the word consists of those particular syllables? It's because we pause from men while we deal with the emotions, extra weight, falling self esteem,,,I could do on and on.

Each decade of my life I have added ten more pounds. Now I know that only comes out to a pound a year but when that entire ten arrive, all of a sudden clothes no longer fit and I'm talking top and bottom here!

I too have been trying to eat more sensibly. After all swimsuit and shorts season is coming soon. Finally. But the legs just don't look as toned as they used to. Let's blame that on the bum hip. And any little bit of carbs or fats finds a place on my body where it's comfortable and never leaves. Maybe we'll wear capris this summer!

And what's with the scale at the doctor's? It's set to make me feel even worse about myself. I swear they set it at least 5 pounds heavier. Is this the work of a thin sadist?

So, for tonight I will TRY to eat sensibly but I just know that something chocolatey will be calling my name later this evening and I will have a hard time not knuckling under.

I am intending to join Weight Watchers with my sister soon and I would love to think that I could truly lose the 15 pounds that have found their way to my hips but I fear that my will power will be taking a serious nap.

On a more serious note, when my very dear friend Jim died in September I developed the attitude of life's too short not to enjoy myself now and the chocolate went on a royal rampage.

How to balance all of these thoughts? If you figure it out, let your old aunt know. Until then I'm sticking with menopause. It works for me!

Amy said...

I'm impressed you still have an Easter stash 5 days after Easter!